// Entry 10//

“We’ll both regret the hurting that we will do. You’ll learn to forget me, and I will try to forget you too.”


It’s been awhile since I’d written about you. I did something I shouldn’t have done and after a long painful night to myself, I finally made a decision. I’d been doing fine for two months, minding my own business, living my life like I said I would. But for some reason, I gave in again. Maybe it was because you were injured and seeing you like that brought back old memories. Maybe because I was worried and I didn’t want you to make the same mistakes I’ve made. Maybe because I liked causing trouble and I wanted to hurt you. Or maybe because I just missed you and wanted a reason to come back to you. Sometimes I wonder if you can look past all the horrible things I’ve done and still let me back into your life. Where you don’t ask me why or demand a reason because the only thing that matters to you is that I came back. Where you don’t push me away but instead cling tighter so that I will never leave you again. Where you put aside your pain and forgive me for all the things I have wronged you. Where you would wait for me because you knew deep down in your heart that when I left, I would always find my way back to you. But that’s only my imagination. How selfish I was, thinking that you would let me back in just like that, after everything I’ve put you through. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. In order for me to let you go and move on, I made one of the hardest decision of my life today. I’m going to stop loving you. That’s the only way I can make this work. To turn off every emotion I have towards you so that I won’t give in again. Today I crossed your name out of my heart. When I wake up tomorrow every memory of you will be gone. It will be as if you never existed. When I see you, all you will be to me now is just a stranger that I am passing by. When someone talks about you, I won’t even care because I won’t know who they’re talking about. When you get injured or hurt, I won’t worry one bit because you won’t mean anything to me. I will be a completely new person from now on. I won’t bother or interfere with you because I will have nothing to do with you. I will take away my love, my friendship, my worries, my burdens, myself and leave nothing behind. I thought not being your friend was already hard enough, but not loving you now is going to kill me. As tempting as it is to come back to you, I have to learn to find the good in goodbye.

// Entry 09//

March 11, 2013

“I don’t regret a second I’ve spent with you.”

Life isn’t fair and sometimes we have to accept that we can’t have everything we want. It’s hard, but we must learn to trust that everything happens for a reason. I shouldn’t be complaining because this is exactly what I asked for. But honestly I regret it. Sometimes I debate with myself whether or not I made the right decision. I know we don’t get a long well and we do things that hurt each other, but I never stopped caring for you. I’m still trying to understand everything. I know probably won’t find the answers I need but I wish I can find closure and peace in all of this. I don’t really know what’s going to happen from now on but I guess that’s the interesting part. Like you always say, it’s more fun when you don’t know. Even though I need you right now, I guess it’s not enough for me to come running back to you yet. Because I’ve been content with the way things have been. Or maybe thats what I keep telling myself because it just isn’t hitting me yet. But whatever the reason is for all of this, I wish that once in awhile you would think of me. And just remember the good memories we’ve made and I hope that it makes you smile from time to time.

// Entry 08//

March 9, 2013

“I act like I don’t care, but deep down inside, it hurts.”

Sometimes I wonder what’s going on in your head when you see me. Are you angry, happy or sad? Do I make you feel uncomfortable or awkward? Do you miss me? Do you care? Are you having a hard time? Do you know how much I need you? Can you see that I’m struggling? Do you know how bad I want to wrap you up in my arms and just keep you there forever? When I see you I’m happy, even though we don’t talk to each other, seeing you is enough for me. I’m cautious when I’m with you. I try to make conversation with other people to distract myself from you. I miss you a lot honestly. I still care about you and I know I stopped showing it but I still do. I wonder how you’re doing with all of this? I’m having such a hard time, but I can’t always take the easy way out and come back to you because then I’m only being selfish. I told myself that I won’t do that anymore because you deserve better than that. So I’m trying my best to endure it all, but I forgot how much it hurts when I don’t have you to fall back on. I need you. You’re encouraging words, that gives me strength again. The way you just take in everything that I throw at you, even though you have enough to deal with. Your unexpected surprises that always make my days better. Your friendship, I need it. Sometimes I wonder if you need mine’s too.

Everytime I say ‘I love you’, it means I love you more than the last time I said it.
A friend

// Entry 07//

March 07, 2013

“And I’ve been secretly falling apart…”

Have you ever had something tug at your heart. Trying to get your attention but you just won’t notice it. Like a strange feeling fighting its way inside, making everything go numb until its the only thing you can feel. You distract yourself, keep yourself busy so you won’t think about it but no matter what you do, its always there in the back of your mind, just mocking you. So you act like you don’t care, or try to find an excuse to tell yourself that this isn’t happening. Anything to make you believe that what you’re feeling isn’t really what you think it is. But then you catch yourself being shaken by it. So you try to get over it, to move on or whatever it’s called to get yourself back together again. But then you realize the more you ignore it, the more it just hurts. It screams and tortures you until you finally acknowledge it. Things become harder when you slowly give in to it. So you grasp tightly to your heart, close your eyes as it takes over. It’s not something that you can just erase, you have to try to understand it. I am doing my best to figure this out, please be patient with me..

When I get mad at someone, I ask myself if I can live without that person, and when I know I can’t, I try not to be mad anymore.
Coffee Prince
The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one where everyone else is asleep but your still awake. The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream but have to cover your mouth so no one can hear. The one where you hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can’t breathe because it hurts too much. The one that makes you realize who it is you’re missing but knowing that your too late, because they’re already gone.

The worst type of crying is the silent one. The one where everyone else is asleep but your still awake. The one where you feel it in your throat and your eyes become blurry from the tears. The one where you just want to scream but have to cover your mouth so no one can hear. The one where you hold your breath and grab your stomach to keep quiet. The one where you can’t breathe because it hurts too much. The one that makes you realize who it is you’re missing but knowing that your too late, because they’re already gone.

// Entry 06//

March 03, 2013

“So far yet so close.”

I survived a month. A month not texting you or talking to you. Today when I saw you I was really nervous. I did my best to keep myself together. I didn’t want you to see that I was having a hard time. I wanted to keep myself at a distance because I wasn’t strong enough to be near you yet. Today as we were surrounded by our friends, I was very happy. Even though we were sitting far apart from eachother, you were close enough for me to see. To see you laughing and smiling with others made me feel at ease. If things could stay like this, I would be content with it. To watch you from afar and see you happy like this, is enough for me. When you say my name, I pretend like I don’t hear you but the truth is I just want to hear you say it again. To make you repeat it so that I can just hear your voice call out to me again. I don’t know whether your testing me, messing around or trying to get my attention but whatever the reason is its nice hearing you say my name once in awhile. Even though I ignore you and act like you don’t exist, its because I’m weak. I told you before that I do that because I’m still trying to heal. To heal myself and become stronger so that I could be normal around you. So that I could make that akwardness between us go away. I also avoid you because it’s easier for me. I don’t want to hurt you and honestly that is my best option right now. I rather be quiet than to say something horrible to you. I never watch what I say so I figure this is the right thing to do. It’s gonna take time but I know we can get through this. You and I, we get use to things easily. This is just another one of those things that we both have to try to get use to too. I know you’re probably already use to it or don’t really care, but for me, I’m still adjusting to everything. I thought that by now it wouldn’t hurt anymore but it still does. It hurts just as much as it did the first time but I have to endure it. I can’t be selfish and hurt you anymore. All the pain I’ve ever cause you, I am truly sorry for. I want you to know that no matter what happens from now on, it doesn’t change the way I love you. You will always be my friend.

Gosh I miss you so much. Just because I don’t show it doesn’t mean its not true. Missing you became a bad habit. That no matter how hard I try, I couldn’t stop missing you. You have no idea how much I want to hug you whenever I see you. But I hold it in because I can’t let you see how weak I am. I pretend like I don’t care but thats only an act so you won’t know. It hurts so bad because I can’t tell you or show you, I can only miss you as each day goes by.

Gosh I miss you so much. Just because I don’t show it doesn’t mean its not true. Missing you became a bad habit. That no matter how hard I try, I couldn’t stop missing you. You have no idea how much I want to hug you whenever I see you. But I hold it in because I can’t let you see how weak I am. I pretend like I don’t care but thats only an act so you won’t know. It hurts so bad because I can’t tell you or show you, I can only miss you as each day goes by.

// Entry 05//

March 01, 2013

“It’s hard when you miss someone so much but you can’t do anything about it because having that space between the two of you, is the only way to make it right.”

I catch myself thinking of you. Worrying about you, wondering how you’re doing these days. I ask myself if I should check up on you, try to think of an excuse, anything just so I can hear from you. I stop myself before I do things like that because thats what I said I would do. To never go back on my words, to remind myself that I can’t because if I do, I’m only going to hurt you. I force myself to make it a habit to forget you. But you’re always there, like a ghost haunting me. No matter what I do, I couldn’t erase you. I feel like I’m having such a hard time because of this. Everything is so frustrating and I’m basically driving myself insane. But I can’t give in, not yet and I can’t let you see me suffer like this either. I had to be stubborn, I had to ignore my heart. Although being stubborn is starting to become very tiresome, I had to keep trying. I realized that I can’t forget you, erase you or let go of you. That you’re very important to me and that I didn’t want to lose you. The reason why we’re like this is because I never listened to my heart. I always do the opposite of what it tells me to do. Before I know it, things get out of control. The wrong words are said and the wrong actions are done. When I try to Iisten to my heart again, I end up confusing and hurting you more. So I figure its better to just ignore it from now on. Anything to keep me from hurting you. I don’t know how long I can keep this up honestly. Thinking about you makes me miss you. If I give in, I’m just going to run to you, hold you tightly in my arms, and never ever let you go again. But since I’m choosing to be stubborn I guess that won’t be happening anytime soon. Until then, I’ll watch you from a distance and keep you safe. I’ll protect you this way with my stubborn heart.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” -Marilyn Monroe