// Entry 10//
“We’ll both regret the hurting that we will do. You’ll learn to forget me, and I will try to forget you too.”
It’s been awhile since I’d written about you. I did something I shouldn’t have done and after a long painful night to myself, I finally made a decision. I’d been doing fine for two months, minding my own business, living my life like I said I would. But for some reason, I gave in again. Maybe it was because you were injured and seeing you like that brought back old memories. Maybe because I was worried and I didn’t want you to make the same mistakes I’ve made. Maybe because I liked causing trouble and I wanted to hurt you. Or maybe because I just missed you and wanted a reason to come back to you. Sometimes I wonder if you can look past all the horrible things I’ve done and still let me back into your life. Where you don’t ask me why or demand a reason because the only thing that matters to you is that I came back. Where you don’t push me away but instead cling tighter so that I will never leave you again. Where you put aside your pain and forgive me for all the things I have wronged you. Where you would wait for me because you knew deep down in your heart that when I left, I would always find my way back to you. But that’s only my imagination. How selfish I was, thinking that you would let me back in just like that, after everything I’ve put you through. I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. In order for me to let you go and move on, I made one of the hardest decision of my life today. I’m going to stop loving you. That’s the only way I can make this work. To turn off every emotion I have towards you so that I won’t give in again. Today I crossed your name out of my heart. When I wake up tomorrow every memory of you will be gone. It will be as if you never existed. When I see you, all you will be to me now is just a stranger that I am passing by. When someone talks about you, I won’t even care because I won’t know who they’re talking about. When you get injured or hurt, I won’t worry one bit because you won’t mean anything to me. I will be a completely new person from now on. I won’t bother or interfere with you because I will have nothing to do with you. I will take away my love, my friendship, my worries, my burdens, myself and leave nothing behind. I thought not being your friend was already hard enough, but not loving you now is going to kill me. As tempting as it is to come back to you, I have to learn to find the good in goodbye.